No pain, No gain - Part 2

Since I wasn't producing enough milk to satisfy Yohann's hunger, my nips were cracked and hurting like hell, and Yohann's cries were already heartbreaking to hear, we already started feeding him formula. A nurse friend also told me to let the nips heal first before continuing with breastfeeding. I took that piece of advice with gratitude as by this time, they already hurt too much it was traumatic for me to even see Yohann wanting to take my nips into his mouth! Haha.

I felt good when I finally saw Yohann feeding, sucking on his bottle like there's no tomorrow. But I felt guilty too, especially when well-meaning friends cheered me on to just continue with breastfeeding, no matter how much it hurt. I had decided then that after taking the malunggay capsules and my sisters' concoctions and the milk would start to come in in copious amounts, that I would return to my original plan of exclusive breastfeeding and no formula. But several days later, it still wasn't working and Yohann seemed to respond well to his milk. I admit I almost gave up on breastfeeding, especially when I tried pumping milk and all I got was several drops after almost an hour. My breasts were already painful, and my hands numb but I didn't even get a single ounce of milk! It was discouraging, to say the least. It frustrated me, and made me feel like I wasn't doing a good enough job.

Thankfully, before I completely gave up on breastfeeding, I noticed that my breasts began to feel fuller and heavier; milk started to come out even when I wasn't feeding Yohann. I even felt feverish one day, and I realized this was because I was lactating and the milk wasn't being consumed. So I tried getting the baby to latch on me again. Little by little, the milk came in and I started pumping again. The first time I was able to produce 2 ounces, I wanted to jump for joy! 

Since then, my milk had consistently grown in supply. We adapted mixed-feeding with Yohann, gradually decreasing his formula intake as my milk supply increased. Just before he turned two months old last June 3, he decided he didn't want any more formula milk and wanted more and more of mommy's milk. So now, I exclusively breastfeed Yohann, and it looks like we're doing a good job out of it as he's grown so much heavier and bigger. He doesn't look like a two month old baby and he is fast out-growing his clothes. I therefore conclude that breast milk really is best for babies :) 

No pain, No gain.

Months before giving birth, I already discussed with the hubby my plan to exclusively breastfeed Yohann. Two reasons: 1. It's economical; 2. It's beneficial. Like the ad says, breastfeeding is still best for babies. I'd want to give my baby only the best, right? So we decided, breastfeeding it is!

The first time I got to try it was 1.5 days after giving birth. Since I had undergone CS, the OBG advised me to rest for a few days until I'm able to stand up, sit on a wheelchair, and carry the baby for breastfeeding at the room next to the nursery. When I finally did that was also the first time I saw Yohann. When I held him close to feed, it took us quite a while to get the hang of it, though Yohann was a faster learner than mommy. He knew how to suckle right away, while I didn't know if he was latched on to me properly. Sabagay, it's basic instinct for babies to suckle nga pala :))

Anyway, I was quite sure then that Yohann couldn't get any milk from me yet, as my OB said it could take a few days for the milk to come in. So, I continued to breastfeed him anyway to stimulate milk production. The first few days were okay, though once I called the nursery to ask for formula as Yohann was constantly crying. I figured he couldn't get any milk from me and was hungry already. Instead of giving him formula, a neonatal nurse went to our room to check on our latching, and to encourage me to just continue feeding him. She even pinched my nipple to show me that I already had milk, and that I just needed to stimulate production by feeding Yohann consistently. It was clear at first, with only a few drops coming out.

A few days after we went home, my nipples began to feel sore. One was already cracked and bleeding! But I had no choice but to continue breastfeeding Yohann since we left his formula at the hospital (or they intentionally forgot to give it to us). A couple of times I would let out a cry while feeding him as it really hurt a lot. I did not want to give up, but I could not bear to see the little boy crying from hunger. He wasn't getting enough milk from me. It broke my heart, so we finally decided to buy formula and give him a bottle of milk.

That's when my sisters intervened. One by one, they visited me and cooked tinola with loads of malunggay, or shells with loads of malunggay also. They also advised me to take malunggay capsules.

To be continued ...

when i'm feeling blue...

...all i have to do is take a look at you, then i'm not so blue..

how can you not smile when you see him sleeping

so peacefully, and his pata so chubby? :p

First-time mommies like me will admit having spent the first few days just staring and staring at their newborn. The first night Yohann was roomed-in with me, I didn't sleep. I watched over him the entire night to make sure he would not stop breathing lol! I did not even feel sleepy or tired the whole night, but the following morning was a different story :p

Watching over the little one is something moms love and are excited to do. At least for the first few weeks. After a month and a half of doing just that, instead of taking away the blues, it brought in a different shade of this heavenly color - the postpartum ones aptly named postpartum depression (PPD). I had blogged about my experience with this here.

Thankfully, I am no longer under the spell of this PPD thing, no longer feeling stressed out and frustrated, though I still take care of the little one all by myself on most days. But I still get tired, specially now that Yohann's grown so big and heavy. But I've fortified myself with weapons for when the enemy called PPD decides to attack again. 

Yohann's my number one weapon. Talking to him now is such a joy as he coos and smiles and answers back, as if he can already understand what I'm saying. When I talk to him, he gazes at me with his big bright eyes and I know he's listening and waiting for me to speak. Now, that chases the blues away in no time! 

We're also blessed to be living near a park. When the weather's good and there's not a hint of rain, I take the baby boy with me for a walk. This is good exercise for me as Yohann likes to keep moving. I walk him around several times, and pause only for a minute or two as he would start squirming in his seat when we're parked too long. Lol. Exercise is a good way to boost the mood and beat depression.

Some other days we would just wake up and decide that we're going out and visit Yohann's cousins or Lola Polly or Lola Rosie. When the hubby is at work during the day, we can go visit my sisters who, fortunately, live just a few minutes away from us. Yohann already likes going out and seeing his cousins, and I love how they love him too :) They say it takes an entire village to raise a child, and I'm taking that further to the next village where most of my relatives and loved ones live. Haha. Human company is definitely a mood booster!

I've also got he best human company to help me take care of Yohann - his daddy Mon. I appreciate how he is a hands-on dad, and doesn't think twice about helping me with the baby even when he just got home from work. Knowing that he'll never get tired of taking care of Yohann and me is something that I am most grateful for.

At the end of the day, the most powerful weapon in my arsenal is still Prayer. Knowing that I have God to hear me and help us in rearing our child is just the assurance that I need. Now, I just pray for wisdom in raising up our boy, and faith to believe that all things will work together for good and I have no need to be anxious or depressed at all.

blog me for a reason

I have been blogging since late 2004. Mostly as an outlet for my thoughts and opinions that, due to the nature of my work then, I couldn't just share with my friends. Since then, I have blogged about my daily drama, trips, rants and what nots - all to practice my right to freedom of expression.

Now, I started this blog for a different reason. These past two days I have been reading blogs of mommies who wrote about their experiences during pregnancy, one even wrote (thru an assistant) updates while giving birth, and others wrote of their struggles and joys in taking care of their baby. Reading all of them inspired me to chronicle my own journey as well. And so, I write to:

- Remember. No better way to preserve the memories of motherhood's joys than to put them down in writing, err, blogging with pictures to boot.

- Inform. Much of my friends are single ladies who, I believe, are soon going down the same path that I am treading. My own experiences could probably help them in one way or another, so I might as well share what I can.

- Encourage. The married life and motherhood are very challenging roles. My own journey has been filled with struggles and trials, some of which I wasn't really prepared for. Reading other mommies' blogs made me realize that I was not alone in them and that the things I went through were not unique, but rather a shared experience. Thus I drew strength from how these other women bravely faced and overcame each challenge they encountered. I hope to be an encouragement to future moms out there, too.

Though I do not claim to know all about motherhood -- I am a newbie mom myself! -- I hope that through this blog, I would be able to reach out to new moms like me, and if necessary, connect them to those who are able to give them the support and help that they need.

blogging you is easy 'cos you're beautiful...

Here I am again with a new blog. This time, I'm dedicating this site to my experiences as a first-time mom to Yohann. So expect a lot of anecdotes, rants, praise items, and yes, pictures of the little boy. :D

Hi, I'm Raphael Yohann and I'm Mommy's little boy! :)

As I write this, Yohann is sleeping cradled in my left arm. He's 2 months and 10 days old today and growing up way too fast! Maybe if I take time to write it all down, how he's growing and learning, maybe I could slow them down a bit. Definitely, it would help me remember the joy of being a mom for the first time.

Join me as I chronicle my new calling in life. :)

the battle with PPD

The National Center for Biotechnology Information of the US National Library of Medicine defines postpartum depression (PPD) as moderate to severe depression in a woman after she has given birth. It may occur soon after delivery or up to a year later. Most of the time, it occurs within the first 3 months after delivery.

Women commonly have mood changes during pregnancy, especially after delivery. These mood changes may be caused by changes in hormone levels. Many non-hormonal factors may also affect mood during this period:

• Changes in your body from pregnancy and delivery

• Changes in work and social relationships

• Having less time and freedom for yourself

• Lack of sleep

• Worries about your ability as a mother

  
  

- - - - -

I had been wary of getting postpartum blues months before I gave birth. I remember having a convo with a friend who encouraged me not to succumb to PPD. Of course I said I won't, who wants to be depressed right?

But weeks after Yohann was born, I found myself face to face with an enemy called PPD. It was real after all. 

At first I didn't entertain it, but it slowly made its presence felt after the visitors and well-wishers had stopped coming to our home. When we had settled into our new routine - the Daddy leaving for work, me getting up and taking care of the baby - was when I started to feel the blues. Imagine me having to take care of the baby, bathe him, feed him, pacify him, change his nappies day in and day out. I had to do these on my own most of the time as we had no one living with us. I skipped meals a lot of times as I could not put the baby down long enough to cook a decent meal. To make matters worse, I was anxious that Yohann wasn't getting as much milk from me as he should because I wasn't producing enough. He was always latched onto me, sometimes falling asleep while feeding. And when I would put him down, he would cry and wake up. So I ended up carrying him the whole time as he slept (which was a lot!)

That was our daily routine. The only thing that changed was Daddy's working hours. It got more and more frustrating by the day, the fact that I couldn't put the baby down while he slept. The laundry was left in a huge pile, the house needed cleaning, bedsheets and pillowcases had to be changed. And one night, Yohann started to have these crying fits where nothing could pacify him. He would cry for 30 minutes to an hour, and I would feel so helpless not knowing what he wanted. He would eventually fall asleep, tired, his eyes puffy from all the crying.

It was during this time, too, that I had offers to work as a virtual assistant. I badly wanted to start working and earning again. However, with the way things were going, I couldn't spend enough hours on the laptop to do the needed tasks. This again left me feeling very frustrated.

It took me several weeks to finally break down and admit that I was feeling the PPD blues. One night the hubby came home and I broke down in tears, asking if we can go home to my sister so she could help me with the baby. That was the only time I told the hubby what I felt, so I guess he too was surprised. Much as I loved Yohann, I was feeling inadequate and helpless. And stressed out, too. This made me feel very guilty. I didn't want him to think that I was complaining and all, but I did feel tired, really.

I guess he felt sorry for me then, and next thing I knew, he called his mom to come and stay with us for a while. Ma had stayed with us previously, but had to come home after a week. I wasn't feeling anything yet at the time she was with us, but I did appreciate her presence. I had her to talk to during the day, and much to my embarrassment she took care of the cooking and the laundry while she was here.

So Ma came again to stay with us for several days. One day we were watching TV and I was carrying Yohann while he slept and fed. I told her, "This is what we do all day, Ma." She quietly replied, "Cherish every moment."  

Just like that, I felt the heaviness break its hold on me. I suddenly felt relieved. Performing my mommy duties no longer felt like an obligation. The realization suddenly hit me, Yohann will only be a baby for a short time, soon he'll grow up and I wouldn't be able to carry him like this any more. 

The feeling of helplessness and fatigue has already left me. We've already found ways to make Yohann want to be put down for naps, and he has been feeding adequately. He has gotten bigger and heavier, and yes, harder to carry for longer amounts of time. However, I've learned how to better take care of myself so that I can take care of him better too. I may be eating less, but I make it a point to at least eat something in lieu of a decent meal. He already sleeps through the night, which means I also get a good amount of rest. When we get bored alone at home, I run to my sisters' homes so we have some company to enjoy. Yohann has also grown more interactive and already enjoys being talked to. His waking hours are longer and playtime with him is something I look forward to. I still feel tired at the end of the day, but no longer frustrated and stressed out. I may not be working and earning anything yet, but mommyhood is full-time work.

Indeed, the best way to beat those PPD blues is to cherish.every.moment. :) 

Yohann

Uploaded pics of bebe boy dito kasi nakakahiya namang mag-flood sa FB. hehe. For backup purposes na rin.

Paseynsha, napakarami nito, marami pang kasunod, pagod na ko mag-upload at ayaw gumana ng java chorva.

p.s. at 1 month 2 weeks old, 5.8 kilos at 24 inches na ang tabachung. bilis lumaki :p