feelings...nothing more than feelings..

I am a kaleidoscope of emotions at the moment. 

I'm excited and anxious, thankful and just a wee bit worried, serious and carefree at the same time; plus smitten, insatiably curious, frustrated, sometimes afraid, uneasy, hopeful, easily touched and easily pleased. I guess it's partly owing to the hormone boost that comes with my current state.

In a few weeks' time I'll be saying goodbye to my Hello Tomorrow family to prepare for Yohann's coming. I've set my mind on resigning from work so I could take care of the baby full-time; I couldn't imagine leaving Yohann for a day while he's still so little..I guess I just wasn't made to be a corporate mom. But, I can't deny the fact that sometimes I think of all the things at work that I'll miss -- my co-workers who've also become my friends, the stuff we do, the talk during lunchbreak, and lots lots more. Sometimes I look forward to the end of Feb, other days I dread it. Hay.

At the moment too, I'm unconsciously counting down the days til the little boy comes out..nakaka...praning? excite? takot? I don't really know. Of course I'm excited to finally see and hold Yohann, but I can't deny the fact that childbirth is on top of my fear factors. I've feared it since the day I first had my period. I try to fight it every day, I talk to Yohann and tell him that when the time comes, to be quick about it and try not to be too harsh on mummy; I ask him to please not make a surprise entrance, so that mummy and daddy will both be prepared to welcome him. Every day too, I pray about it. I ask God to please, please give me the courage to do it, to push the baby out, that every muscle and bone will cooperate to make a safe, normal delivery. I claim it, it's going to be a normal delivery. And it will be quick and easy. And I'll be out of the hospital in no time (this will be my first ever time to be hospitalized!). 

To ease my fear, I just look at the newborn pics of FB friends who recently gave birth. And then I'm teary-eyed naman. Looking at babies just has this effect on me. Even ultrasound pics can move me to tears :p I can't begin to explain how amazed I am at the concept of carrying life in your tummy and then birthing that life into this world. And hearing news, too, of abandoned babies and fetuses thrown carelessly just makes me weep. Pano nila nagagawa yon? 

Hay. Three more months...three more months and hopefully this kaleidoscope would settle into something more stable and constant. I know it will. :)