baby blues

For the first time last Aug. 27, I finally had my prenatal check up. I had to push myself to do it, first because of my fear of hospitals and second because I didn't want a doctor poking me with some instrument. But when I learned the Ob-Gyn I was going to see had a clinic, and that I was not going to be poked with anything alien but will just be asked some questions and given a few instructions, I was finally convinced to go see the doctor. 

It helped that Mon came with me. I wanted him there kasi I wanted him to hear what the doc would say para pag may nalimutan ako, he could remind me. At first it felt really strange to be sitting there in that clinic with the doc asking me questions pertaining to pregnancy. Para kong nag-out-of-body experience for a while. Ako ba to? Gising ba ko? hehe. For the first time in many years, I felt like a little girl again - excited and scared and giddy. We left that clinic with a prenatal booklet that I can't help reading from time to time. 

This early, hindi pa mau-ultrasound ang baby to see a clear image, so we were asked to go back 24th of this month. But I was told to have a trans-V ultrasound, which I still haven't pep-talked myself into, para masigurado kung ilang weeks na ba talaga ako (doc said 8 based on my menstrual cycle, i said no, maybe 5 lang. hehe)

I've heard a lot of stories from friends who have battled morning sickness and all that comes with being pregnant, but nothing prepared me for the actual thing. Everyday I wake up feeling sick. I push myself to go to work, but every night after coming home lagi kong prayer na kung pwede lang Lord, bigyan mo ko ng work that I could do at home coz now I really feel exhausted. Just waiting for public transport for 15 minutes tires me out. Walking, which I used to love, can now kill me I swear. I have a hard time quelling my nausea attacks, specially with my ultra-sensitive sense of smell. Food that people are eating sa kabilang department sa office makes my stomach do somersaults. Monmon's cologne gives me a slight headache (haha, sorry :p). The smell of coffee, would you believe it, makes me want to gag. Pero pag naaamoy ko lang sa iba, not when I'm the one making it. And my emotional intelligence is starting to be affected, too. I'm weepy and whiny and worried too easily, nakakainis. While I tell myself that the physical symptoms I have no control over, I don't want to give in to my emotional woes because I know they can be tamed. Kaso, ang hirap lang. 

I'm trying to trick myself into believing na lang na kunyari hindi ako preggy at wala akong nararamdaman, so i could fool my body into acting normally. But everything around me seems to be conspiring to constantly remind me of my state. Everytime I go to and from work, I see at least 5 pregnant women, in different stages of pregnancy. The latest brochure from Avon boasts of a new line of products that would be coming out soon - the Avon Baby line. At work, my officemates are obsessed with watching videos of babies. And women giving birth. Last night they decided to watch a video of a woman giving birth at home, complete with shrieks and blood and water bag. I almost fainted at hindi ko talaga naiwasan ang maduwal. Though I didn't look at the screen, sobrang laki ng monitors sa area namin that when you're working at your desk your peripheral view is sure to catch a glimpse of what's on the monitor next to you. Plus of course the sounds. I could never escape the sounds. The woman giving birth sounded like gusto na niyang mawalan ng ulirat habang nanganganak sha. Huhuhu. Natakot ako pramis.

Hay. It's a blessing that Monmon can be so patient with me especially when I'm craving for specific food I want to eat, or when I feel so sick that I have no time to talk to him cause I just want to sleep. But anytime now, I think maluluka na rin itong isang ito sa mga kalukahan ko. hehe. I'm just hoping this is just a phase that comes with the first three months, and after that back to some semblance of normalcy na ulit ako. Sana. :)