Friday, January 28, 2011

feelings...nothing more than feelings..

I am a kaleidoscope of emotions at the moment. 

I'm excited and anxious, thankful and just a wee bit worried, serious and carefree at the same time; plus smitten, insatiably curious, frustrated, sometimes afraid, uneasy, hopeful, easily touched and easily pleased. I guess it's partly owing to the hormone boost that comes with my current state.

In a few weeks' time I'll be saying goodbye to my Hello Tomorrow family to prepare for Yohann's coming. I've set my mind on resigning from work so I could take care of the baby full-time; I couldn't imagine leaving Yohann for a day while he's still so little..I guess I just wasn't made to be a corporate mom. But, I can't deny the fact that sometimes I think of all the things at work that I'll miss -- my co-workers who've also become my friends, the stuff we do, the talk during lunchbreak, and lots lots more. Sometimes I look forward to the end of Feb, other days I dread it. Hay.

At the moment too, I'm unconsciously counting down the days til the little boy comes out..nakaka...praning? excite? takot? I don't really know. Of course I'm excited to finally see and hold Yohann, but I can't deny the fact that childbirth is on top of my fear factors. I've feared it since the day I first had my period. I try to fight it every day, I talk to Yohann and tell him that when the time comes, to be quick about it and try not to be too harsh on mummy; I ask him to please not make a surprise entrance, so that mummy and daddy will both be prepared to welcome him. Every day too, I pray about it. I ask God to please, please give me the courage to do it, to push the baby out, that every muscle and bone will cooperate to make a safe, normal delivery. I claim it, it's going to be a normal delivery. And it will be quick and easy. And I'll be out of the hospital in no time (this will be my first ever time to be hospitalized!). 

To ease my fear, I just look at the newborn pics of FB friends who recently gave birth. And then I'm teary-eyed naman. Looking at babies just has this effect on me. Even ultrasound pics can move me to tears :p I can't begin to explain how amazed I am at the concept of carrying life in your tummy and then birthing that life into this world. And hearing news, too, of abandoned babies and fetuses thrown carelessly just makes me weep. Pano nila nagagawa yon? 

Hay. Three more months...three more months and hopefully this kaleidoscope would settle into something more stable and constant. I know it will. :)

16 comments:

  1. thanks, mic entoma. ngapala, di ako maka-comment sa recent post mo, pero nakakakilig yun ah. parang may ispark :p

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  2. chip, wala pong ispark yun - ganun lang kami ni A sa isa't isa. besides, 10 years too late ang aming ugnayan, kaya pure friendship lang siya, with a touch of paglalandi on my part. =OP

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  3. bakit naman kasi ngayon ka lang naglandi? :p

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  4. you're quitting? wow. ako teh nakikipagnegotiate pa. i don't think i'll be quitting full time, siguro temporarily lang. dasal na lang ako ng dasal ngayon. :)

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  5. a lot of women has done it so can you...i'm talking about childbirth :)

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  6. sana pag ako nagkababy i can afford not to work too :) excited na ko makita si baby mo sistah! & sana in person:)

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  7. yup ateng, pero i plan to find work na home-based. yung mga dati ko ding gawain. hehe. gusto ko hawak ko yung time ko at di na mag-co-commute at kapagod ito :p

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  8. aja, kaya ko tooooo! hehe. salamat sa moral support jas :)

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  9. actually, gusto ko pa rin na may ginagawa, pero sana sa bahay na lang para di na iiwan ang bebe. wawa naman sha eh :D

    umuwi kaaaaaa, kelangan makita mo ang bebe!

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  10. ganda ng sulat mo mei mei... dadating na si yohann... dadating na si yohann? dadating na si yohann!!! :D exciting!

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  11. darating na si yohann!!! waaaah!! weeeeeeh!!! hahaha nabaliw :D

    amishu nowns! :*

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  12. Nakakapraning tlga maghintay. Nag over due nga lang ako ng 1 day kang Aaron, praning na praning ako e! hahah... but just looking at him now, sulit na sulit ang pag hihintay. Nagpahaba lang sya ng kuko sa loob ng tyan ko. hahah!

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  13. normal deliv ba tikey? congrats!! :)

    ako ilang bwan pa napapraning na ko. gusto ko magtanong kung kumusta panganganak pero wag na lang, parang mas makakabuti kung dun ko na mismo malaman. haha :D

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  14. yeah Normal Delivery nman. Nakayanan ko nman Thank You kay Lord. Kaya modin yan. Just have faith, at kelangan ng mega super high na patience tlga.

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